Aphro’s Asskicking Anthems – June 2016

What it is, what it is, what it is... shed no tears! K-P-B.com is the place & your boy Aphro is on the case... this month's Anthem is all about that deep hardcore. How deep? We're talking Mariana deep. After the jump, let's get down...

Oh... hell... yes! I have eagerly been waiting for the day that I could finally feature some Dethklok in this column & have it actually make sense. Believe me, the urge has been VERY strong in the past, but that would have been grasping at straws and that is simply not what we're about here. In case you haven't pieced it together by now, I'm a huge Metalocalypse fan. I've watched the entire series a few times over, I got all the albums & I've (joyously) seen them live. (I realize that last statement is kind of wandering dangerously close to an oxymoron, but I don't care... that show was awesome!) As the brainchild of Brendon Small -- the same guy who gave us the hilarious cartoon, Home Movies -- the band, show & music are all his doing to one degree or another. To put that in FGC terms, the most apropos example I can think of is Daisuke Ishiwatari. What I wouldn't give to see these two collaborate on an album...

Regarding the song and within the context of the show, this was from an album that was designated to only be heard by aquatic life. What can I say? Nathan Explosion is just really dedicated to his artistic vision. The wonderful thing about Dethklok, according the show's logic, is that they are the biggest thing ever. No joke, they are that world's twelfth largest economy. Never mind endorsements... their passing mention of ANY product sees that product completely & utterly devastate all forms of competition. They are such a big deal, that fans willingly sign away their lives with pain waivers in order to attend their shows. To put this in realistic terms, imagine if every member of the British Invasion, KISS, Billy Joel, & Bruce Springsteen (all at the acme of their careers) were to have their collective fame chemically condensed and fused into one band... it still would not measure to even a fraction of Dethklok's celebrity. That's how big they are.

I'm sure by now you're wondering how I could possibly match any fighter to the entity that is... Dethkok. Well, there's an old expression that I'm fairly sure we're all familiar with: "Go big or go home!" With that being said, if we're going to go big, how much bigger does it get than royalty?

"Go on and make the fishsticks joke... I f***ing dare you!"

"Go on and make that fishsticks joke... I f***ing dare you!"

For all the jokes he's suffered/been the butt of over the years, Aquaman is -- to put it bluntly -- frighteningly powerful. Frankly, I blame his depiction in the old Super Friends cartoons for the misrepresentation. If you really want to see Arthur Curry in all his regal (and brutal) glory, go back & watch his episodes in Justice League Justice League Unlimited. Just scratching the surface of what makes him a badass, this guy holds reign over 70% planet. At damn near any given time, he could wipe us all out. Lord knows we've given him plenty of reasons to. Despite all that, Arthur is still nobility and he weighs all his options against the betterment of his kingdom & subjects. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, am I right?

The correlation between song & character should be fairly obvious here. The concept of the denizens of the sea declaring war on the mainland is something that has come up before in various different forms of media. It usually doesn't end well for us, either. Generally speaking, fighting a war (or, let's be realistic here, defending) from ALL directions would spell our swift & rather total demise. When you think about the lyrics & overall tone of the song, though... it sounds like a declaration of war to begin with. It already feels like the soundtrack to a massacre as it is. Guess the only real question in that scenario would be: "How well can you swim?"

Until next time... keep fighting the good fight, my friends.

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