Parappa takes the Mic: Marvel Vs. DBZ – New Age of Functions

*Picks up mic* Damn, it’s still hot. Man, oh man, what a June. It’s been an eventful month especially for me. What with staying busy & gearing up for the summer in general. For the gaming world, however, we’re digesting what E3 left for us. For the FGC-hold that thought *HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!*

Yes, get ready for the umpteenth Marvel Vs Capcom: Infinite/Dragonball FighterZ comparison. Well… maybe not so much a comparison, more like a tirade that would make Lewis Black cringe. The butthurt, memes, trolls and overall headaches have subsided just a dash since a few weeks past, but I think I can match the same intensity. All parties involved are getting torn a new asshole today, so I wouldn’t sit down if I were you… also put up a prayer that this is worse than what Aphro’s got in store later. It feels like every year I gotta make one of these before EVO… but never mind that. We’re goin’ around the table here and we’ll let the new cat go first.

DBFZ does what Marvel won’t, is that it? Now, no one expected this game to exist, but I did call this mass exodus of UMVC3 sheep from Infinite. I’ll get to the Mahvel side later, on Arcsys’ side, it’s real smart. It’s business savvy, you have a demand with no current supply, so why wouldn’t you step in and YOINK! the clientele?  No matter what, these are the people that are used to broken Marvel in general. They’ll handle any kind of dumb shenanigans this DBZ game throws at them. Speaking of which, we have no idea how the balance of this game’s gonna be. Beerus can make an entrance and overthrow the roster like a top tier in the Budokai games. I swear on my SS4 Goku model, if you mofos drop this game in the first few months after all this garbage I’ve heard in the past few weeks…not even for what’s still to come, but just the shit I’ve been hearing before the month mark from E3, I’m snatching everyone’s controllers.

I knew it was coming, but it didn’t annoy me any less. The UMVC3 heads have become their predecessors & trashed the upcoming title because it’s different. The story trailer for MVCI and DBFZ at E3 just gave them another all too easy out. Stubborn vets are annoying yes, but Lord deliver me from bandwagon fans. Strictly my opinion and I never like to give out opinions because they aren’t based in fact… still you ask me, it’s these fair-weather, meat headed trolls that’s killing the FGC.

You morons are so fucking fickle and have it too damn easy. You don’t have to bear down when it gets rough or when shit hits the fan. As a SF fan, you think I enjoy the amount of shit Capcom/SF/I get for all the idiotic shit that’s happened? For trying to give SF5 a chance when it’s so damn obvious it’s inadequate? You groveled at the feet of Crapcom for this game and now you bail. You don’t know what the fuck two weeks means in Mike Z Standard Time or waiting for a misused & often abused franchise like DS to come back. None of you spoiled losers have that fire in your belly to set you apart from any other dope in a comments section. I’ll see who exactly sticks with DBFZ, after that maybe SSF5 when FChamp says “dis game gud now”. This isn’t a loyalist rant; we’ve all seen what those jackasses look like. Since SF5, I’ve actually expanded my library of fighters, so there is a silver lining to all this and I still do go back and play when there’s actually something to do. You don’t reject something that’s a part of you, not when there’s work to be done with it. That’s what separates myself & other like minds from (Zero said it best) these ‘soulless copies’.

What else is there to bitch about… the accessibility, right! Down, Down inputs, one button mash combos and whatever else you guys can draw up. Presently, we don’t know if the inputs are going to overlap and be problematic in the execution department… so what’s the problem? You mad because your Z motions got watered down? I’ll always point to Smash when something like this comes up. Real basic inputs, high accessibility, so why haven’t you bodied HungryBox & Ally yet? Wave/Plink dashes are in this game so you have advanced moment… where’s your leg to stand on? Seriously though, you’d rather an eternity of lightning loops than see what Infinite has? That’s your prerogative, no use bothering.

Who is left to get bopped? Let’s go with the nitpickers. Nah, not the ones voicing clear frustration over legit concerns, we’re talkin’ about the ones that wrote a thesis on how Capcom employees should be executed because Thor’s hair is the wrong shade on a Thursday. This is simple, just give me 5 seconds. You’re walking on the sidewalk outside, you come across a pile of dog shit and the sight revolts you. At this point do you perhaps... roll around in it, getting angrier that you’re now covered in doggo doodoo? NO! HELL NO! What’s the matter with you?! You walk away and avoid it. Now just guess who’s who based on the ‘choose your own adventure’ choices.

As easy it is to make the ‘Infinite is dog shit’ metaphor happen, that’s not the takeaway here. Don’t actively enhance your misery, be it making a bad situation worse or any other means. The cherry on top is majority of these tantrum throwers are gonna get the game regardless… just to complain more. I have felt my inner Dark Helmet in full force recently. I’m not excusing any of the mishaps Capcom has done or how the game looks, but I know that there’s a time to nut up and bite the bullet or shut up. You’re all right, it doesn’t look good and I don’t know if they’ll brush it up or not. This path you’re on, however, is already at critical mass where then the game drops the first thing that goes wrong you’ll chuck it. Meanwhile, it’s MAHVEL! There’s always something busted with these games.

On the flip side, we got ourselves another culprit in the impediment of the community. For every yin there’s a yang and this yang would be the complete delusion of there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any aspect of Infinite. At this time, I want to divert my attention a little bit towards the KOF community. Without going too much into it, I gotta say this is downright shameful how some got the audacity to give the graphics a pass, but straight defecated on KOF14 last year. Before the graphics updates, KOF14 looked outdated… Infinite looks ugly and that’s bad. To the KOF crowd that’s getting shafted in this regard, I want to say I’m sorry… because I think someone should has to say it.

One of the things I find fascinating about the FGC is how they adapt a random word out of nowhere that they had no idea existed before like ‘collusion’. The FGC word of the month starts with the letter ‘S’ and it won’t be Sentinel for a good while with the way the MVCI roster leaks are going. Hang on one second, whose fault (if any) is it? While everyone was caught in their feelings one way or the other, no one thought about the position these figureheads are in. Everything they say or do is taken and painted a certain way. JWong wasn’t as complimentary with vanilla 3 & sales took a jab on the chin. FChamp says the game’s dead, you hold a damn funeral. You are all within your rights to be impatient considering the past debacles & forewarnings. Perhaps it’s time, however, we hold everyone accountable... including ourselves. Can you really say without a shadow of a doubt, that these dudes haven’t seen something we haven’t seen yet? In two months time hardly any of this is going to matter, everyone needs to take a breath to lower their sodium levels.

Before you start calling me a shill, just chill the fuck out, I got this. The salesmanship is PAINFULLY lacking. Glossing over the E3 clips, these dudes couldn’t sell ice on the 4th of July. I get it, you’re trying to pitch me something, but if both of us know there’s some assembly required first, don’t act like everything’s peachy keen. The void of finesse just leaves you sore, man. Case in point, the X-Men who were your cornerstone have been gutted out with no certainty of inclusion at a specified time; then you turn around and call Magneto a function.

So let me get this straight, the given is the function of X-Men equals the function of Marvel? Something like f (X-Men) = f (MCU). Then in a Combofiend example, 8-way dash is a transitive property with f (Magnus) = f (Ultron/Captain Marvel/Nova). Don’t know man, it looks like an inequality to me. Sure, it’s a tough question to answer, maybe even a loaded question, but I could’ve answered it with more care. “We understand and sympathize with the fans; unfortunately, this is a circumstance that’s out of our hands. As an old Magneto player, I know the passion and allure behind the X-Men, but the team and I are confident with the additions of the new characters. We made sure the spirit & playstyles of these characters are not lost so you can explore other characters you may not know as well, like Ultron. Who knows, you might like them better.” Something to that effect, it’s not like you need that much prep time for an obvious, pressing question like that.

Leaked notes of Capcom’s character designs. I think they need to show their work better.

This does reveal all about how developers look at character concepts. We knew this, though; the extent varies on the amount of love put into a concept. Palette swaps, Clones, spiritual successors, none of this is new. We, again, are justified in criticizing it. Maybe Combofiend was speaking for himself when he said players used Magneto for the 8-way dash… I only took Psych 101 so what do I know? Functions aside… after seeing some footage, surveying the field, playing the demo, I come to realize that everyone is on the same page: the chaos of the Marvel franchise is part of the game. The Infinity Stones are going to create so much silly stuff, it’s not gonna be fair. To make a balanced Marvel is to spread the madness to every character; if that’ll happen remains to be seen.

Speaking of the game… nah, I’d just be beating a dead horse at this point. I’ve had my fair share in the roast and giggled my ass off. Besides that, I can’t shake the feeling of the 2nd coming of SFxT with this game. Another game buried under FGC scorn with a bad DLC plan and incompetent handlers that’s actually real solid. I want MVCI to succeed in every facet for obvious reasons, but also because this is exhausting. I really don’t enjoy any of this & I’m sure none of you do, either.

I came to the FGC to get better, talk to players, learn things, and maybe make a few friends/rivals… not to wake up this damn headache I see day in & out. It’s as if Capcom shot off all their toes, now they aim for their crotch… just stop it already! The Fighting Game Community has become the Fighting Game Herd and some days I think about just leaving it behind. How the hell do I stay around for this insanity, how does Parappa get this jaded & keep his hat on? How do I not get angry when I hear ‘get left behind’? Well see that’s my secret, I’m always angry. I’m past it and it’s time everyone else does the same.

I’m getting DBFZ day 1 because regardless of how much of a competitive fighter it’s going to be, I haven’t touched a DBZ game since Budokai Tenkaichi 3. I can use some mindless fun, it’s been a while. I’m probably getting MVCI for a deal somewhere because I don’t think it’ll end up being worth $60, but I think I’ll like the gameplay. Also, for both games I have friends that are die-hard that will play for the long haul & break it down to the core… I want to be part of the fun. My word is bond, all this noise can burn in hell… I’ll catch everyone after EVO. Peace & Love.

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