The Malloy List – January 2016

MERRY NEW YEAR! I hope 2016 has been treating you well so far. As for yours truly... ehh, I can't complain. It's a new year, so that means it is time to etch another name onto the illustrious Malloy List. This month is all about keeping it real... it'll make sense after the jump.

Before we get started, seeing as how it's a new year & all, I wanted to take this opportunity to reiterate what the Malloy List is all about. For all my film aficionados out there, I'm sure you all remember 1954's On the Waterfront. It stars the legendary Marlon Brando as Terry Malloy. While some of you might not recognize that name, I'm positive everybody is aware of that one famous line Brando delivered:

"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been a somebody..."

You may not have ever seen the movie, but I can guarantee you've heard that quote (or some variation of it) at some point in your life. Here at Kick-Punch-Block, we take that sentiment to heart. You see, there are hundreds of characters throughout the entire gamut of fiction & entertainment that, if given the opportunity, we feel could really shine if they were ever put on a roster. This column is dedicated to going into greater detail with that idea. So now you know...

Earlier I said that this month's inductee was all about "keeping it real" and that's very true, but not exactly in the way you might think. Our focus this month will mark the first -- but possibly not the last -- time we select an actual person as opposed to a character they portray or lend their voice. Considering who this person is and the sheer overwhelming amount of pure badassery they've unleashed over the years, I'm frankly equal parts amazed & disappointed that they haven't made an official appearance in any games. Without further ado...


Call me weak or whatever you'd like, but I sincerely doubt I could ever stay mad at that face...

That's right, ladies & gentlemen! I'm talking about the incomparable Milla Jovovich. This tall drink of water has been kicking ass, taking names and breaking hearts for going on 30 years now. (Would you believe she actually got her start in the entertainment business on Married with Children?) Along with acting, she's been a model and has been trying her hand/vocal chords at music. Apparently, she wanted to be a triple threat... which is somewhat ironic because I'm going to be shining my spotlight on three of her iconic roles.

She's once... twice... three times a badass and she'll kill you!

She's once... twice... three times a badass and she'll kill you.

This is why I chose to acknowledge Milla herself instead of any one of the characters she's portrayed. I feel that by singling one of them out above the others would be a disservice to you lovely people. The catch, though, is that this now presents an unprecedented challenge: three characters to be placed in three different games. Furthermore, the only tangible thing these three have in common is Milla herself. Be that as it may, I'm not going to let that keep from my desired goal. The more the merrier, right? Right.

For the sake of brevity, though, I'm going to shotgun these picks. First off, we have Alice from the Resident Evil movies. Alice is a little weird on account of the fact that she's never really been explained. All we really know about her is that she bonded perfectly with the T-virus. Which is all fine & good, of course, but it doesn't exactly help make her abilities make any sense. Alice has displayed, among other things, varying levels of technopathy & pyrokinesis. Again, awesome, but doesn't make a great deal of sense since those two powers have never really been mutually exclusive in one person before (at least not to my knowledge). Anyway, I see Alice making a serious impact in Mortal Kombat X due to the fact that she's in the business of maiming people. Granted, all those people are zombies, but that doesn't diminish the truth of her skills.

Next up, we have everybody's favorite commuter, The Fifth Element's Leeloo (and, no, I am not going to type out her full name). Leeloo is a perfect being created for the sole purpose of vanquishing evil. Fairly run of the mill hero stuff, but because of Leeloo's genetic makeup & ability to absorb information at a practically cellular level, there is practically nothing she can't do and/or learn. Given the somewhat prophetic overtones of her task, I feel her place is among the ranks of the King of Fighters family. She could be a perfect (singular) foil against Orochi & the Hakkeshu as opposed to always having to rely on that old odd couple to get the job done.

Finally, we have Ultraviolet herself, who poses the biggest conundrum to me. Violet has two things working for her: vampirism & hammerspace technology. (Real quick: "hammerspace" refers the ability to inexplicably pull something out of a space that it logically could not fit in. We see it cartoons in all the time.) As it applies to Violet, she uses it to carry more guns on her person than the entire duration of the Matrix trilogy. Because of her motif & penchant for firearms, I find myself torn. On one hand, I can totally see her in any of the Street Fighter 4 games. A really sharp witted rivalry with Crimson Viper jumps to mind more than anything. On the other hand, since she makes practical use of honest-to-goodness cartoon physics, I really want to see her in Ultimate Marvel VS Capcom 3. Hell, just to come full circle, have her replace Jill Valentine... can't even remember the last time I saw anyone use her.

Until next time... keep fighting the good fight, my friends.

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